I called my mom today since I was feeling lost, friendless and sad. Thought she could go on a bike ride with me. She reminded me of the wind.
Quick glance outside, yep, trees doubling over. Like I felt last night after eating her potato salad...
I wandered over to her house since she heard me crying on the phone and said I can come hang out with her while she plants flowers. Well, she said I could help plant flowers but I knew I wouldn't help.
On the way I got my textbook from the post office (class starts Monday - online... but I haven't gotten anything from teacher yet and the online class isn't active...). I also swung through an Estate sale. I overheard some conversation and felt better about the few things I was buying when I heard that the owner hadn't died (I would assume he is maybe heading for a nursing home...). Anyway, it was quiet in the basement (since I was ignoring one buyer's non stop talking) and I was feeling reflective.
On the way to my mom's house "Stairway to Heaven" came on and it felt like a good tribute to T-Bear. I drove around the neighborhood just listening to the song.
After a bit mom and I wound up on her front porch, sitting in the shade. She starts with, "Do you know much about PMS, I mean, have you really learned about it?"
"Yep." I immediately knew where she was going with this.
"Well, I was about your age when I would go through really bad mood swings. I finally realized it would start 14 days... well - yeah - I'm sure - yeah - it was 14 days after my period started."
"Yep."
"Then I would have two weeks where I felt sane. It would start when my period started..."
"[sigh]"
"Well, I mean, have you thought about it or talked to a doctor about it. Maybe you're going through what I was going through."
"I know all about it. I know I have a couple really bad days just before my period. I'm well aware."
"I would just feel completely crazy. Yelling and screaming at you kids. I finally had to ask you kids to just tell me when I was being crazy because I couldn't see it."
"Yeah mom, but I think you had other things going on."
"Whew, those were a couple terrible years."
"I'm sure mom. But it lasted a lot longer than a couple years. I was just a kid then. You were screaming when I moved out and you were still screaming after I moved out."
"Yeah. I didn't know which end was up."
Sidenote: my dad had cheated on her by this point and moved out.
"I think you had things going on like untreated depression -"
"Well you hated me. I didn't know what to do."
Jesus. The damage had been done woman. "You know what mom? Out of everything, all those years, I don't remember
one hug. Not one hug from you."
"Yeah, I didn't hug you kids."
"So I think there wasn't much you could have done by then." My mind jumped to all kinds of scenarios where she took some fucking
responsibility for the hell we were living in.
I let out a sigh. I couldn't look at her. I picked through the peanuts I was snacking on, hating that I eat for comfort just like she does.
Blech.
"We were just kids.
We didn't know which end was up.
We didn't know what to do, how to grow up. We didn't know how to figure out the world on
our own."
I don't know if she responded exactly. I held the rest in. She doesn't even know I'm in therapy.
"Anyway, I know what you're trying to get at. It's not PMS. I've been missing my friend T-Bear this week and I feel bad that I didn't go visit him. I'm just sad."
"Oh."
And that was that. I asked her some inane question to change the subject and so goes our relationship.
Labels: family, mental health issues, t-bear