12-22-09 3:59am

I have so many secrets

those of which keep

crushing me





crushing me





They chase me into darkness

and trap me underground



They stifle my cries

and choke me when I scream




Oh how I wish these

secrets would unburden me

let me free




But yet they persist

in crushing me





crushing me


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-dont

A long day...

of reading.

I did A LOT of reading on pathological narcissism yesterday and have picked it up again tonight.

(Well, I *have* to because I have to shut down my PC to reboot it and I had a dozen articles pulled up and in the process of saving them all to my favorites I kept clicking on more and more relevant articles and suddenly it's been another hour of reading with my jaw dropped and I'm shaking my head...)

This paragraph is from healthyplace.com

Narcissists are bred by other narcissists. To treat others as objects, one must first be treated as such. To become a narcissist, one must feel that one is nothing but an instrument used to satisfy the needs of a meaningful (maybe the most meaningful) figure in his life. One must feel that the only source of reliable, unconditional, total love is himself. One must, thus, lose faith in the existence or in the availability of other sources of emotional gratification.

*sigh* In learning about my mom I've started to understand who I used to be. It's tough.


.... I had to sign in again to add the link to the page:
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/chapter-four-the-tortured-self/menu-id-1469/
It's like reading about my own life. It feels like a tragedy (obviously with a better ending! - now)

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Christmas survey thingie

Nabbed from Sarah



1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? ... Paper, boxes, tape, ribbon the whole 18 yards. Though this year I think I'm skipping the bows. No real reason... I use gift bags for baskets full of goodies, I don't think they're as fun when they're all boxed in.

2. Real tree or Artificial? ... Artificial. I have issues with the tree slaughter every year. Don't bother talking to me about cut flowers or paper OR the destruction of the Earth by making plastic trees. I got my pretty fake tree on super 75% off sale at Target a few years ago. When you're really poor that $25 needs to go a really really really long way.

3. When do you put up the tree? ... I prefer to have it up in early December, otherwise all that hard work for only week before Christmas seems a shame. Jukebox and I put it up last Sunday and decorated it last night and ... I'm good with that!

4. When do you take the tree down? ... Early January. I can't live without that valuable living room space for more than a month!

5. Do you like eggnog? ... Yes. But I can't drink too much of it, it's waaaaay too thick and sweet.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? ... Hmmm... I dunno. Perhaps my own game for the Atari or my cabbage patch doll.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? ... I have a mini one, but I don't put it out every year. Not this year, I went light on the decorations.

8. Hardest person to buy for? ... My parents. They don't "need" anything, and my dad is like me - if you have to give me presents give me something I can really use! (Though for my birthday I like being treated like a princess.)

9. Easiest person to buy for? ... Just as Sarah said, my step-mom! You just "know" when you see something she'll love. She's an artist like me, so I think I really "get" her.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? ... I dunno... it's always nice to get something! I've since apologized for it, but my little brother bought me a pencil/crayon combo pencil (where you move the tip from the bottom to the top to change them out) and I was upset and told him you can't give someone a PENCIL for Christmas. Now I love that he gave it to me... One year I was really upset, I had wanted a scooter and it was very prominent on my wish list but all my brothers got them instead of me.

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas card? ... I usually design my own card but I'm not doing them this year. Not enough money.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? ... I don't have one. I always liked the Christmas Story, but I hit some magical "too many times" time and I'd rather not see it again.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? ... Whenever the mood and idea hit me and the recipient's birthday isn't coming up!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? ... Sure. I get nice home-decor items from friends that I just don't need. I always gift it to someone who will appreciate it more than me. And it's still new!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? ... Hmmm... I don't have a lot of favorites, do I? Nothing pops to mind, but Jukebox and I will be making caramel and chocolate covered goodies this coming weekend, I'm looking forward to those!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? ... Clear, all the way. They are pretty and clean and nice. And "white" like the snow! I just had this debate with Jukebox the other night. I think my brain and retinas would grow tired of seeing crazy bright colors every night, the white lights are soft and soothing and complement any tree styling.

17. Favorite Christmas song? ... I don't have one. But I enjoyed a couple off Christina Aguilara's Christmas album (from a couple years ago?).

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? ... Always around home, but this year, to 6 homes in 4 days. Oy.

19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer? ... Not really. But I can tell you Donner and Blitzen are German for Thunder and Lightning.

20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star? ... Nope, I have beautiful birds with pretty feathers, all different kinds.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? ... Both. Growing up we always got to open one present before bed. I LOVED THAT. It was so fun to make the "right" decision! Now we open presents at my mom's xmas eve, and then Jukebox and I have our midnight xmas (though I think he'd rather do it in the a.m. but I sold him on the romance of it being dark out, the lights glowing in the room, the still world). Then we open presents at my dad's xmas day. The rest of the stops are Jukebox's families.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? ... The four hundred thousand people that materialize out of nowhere and fuck up driving patterns for running errands during the day, any day, any time.

23. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented? ... Plastic molded figurines for the yard.

25. Which looks best theme trees or homey trees? ... HOMEY. yo yo yo I love my tree's mismatched ornaments, ranging from my childhood all the way through new ones last year. Gifts from friends, my own handmade ones, the ones I bought and stole (Hunzer remembers!) in Burbank ;) ... and so on.

26. Gingerbread or sugar cookies? ... Neither. I need more pumpkin spice bars in my life...

27. Do you like Fruitcake? ... No, never. And I can't stand fruit bits in my holiday desserts or applesauce.

BONUS. Share your thoughts on decorations... Pick one. It is NOT okay to mix baby Jesus with Santa Claus. ESPECIALLY in your front yard. And while I'm on the topic, do not I beg of you, do not mix beautiful lights and wire or wooden forms with PLASTIC MOLDED JUNK!!! If you must put up the blowing bubble thing >>> just put up that one blowing bubble thing. Please.
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Ease vs. Discomfort

As I'm learning about pathological narcissism (to better understand my mom, and my past behaviors) I'm writing a bare-all email to Jukebox, along with interesting tid-bits.

In part I do this because it reinforces new revelations I'm having (it's hard to break old habits as well as patterns of thinking), and also I want to share it all with Jukebox.

It seems really humbling, and embarrassing even, to share with my partner all the ways in which I am inadequate. But the reality is that it is much easier to bare-all to someone who is caring and understanding, than it is to keep up the brave front of someone I'm not - someone I've been trying to be (an unrealistic person full of perfections) for years, decades, really.

I'm trying to figure out who I really am, as well as heal from all those years of hurt. It's best not to pretend I know what's coming next or to act "proper" the next time life throws me a curve ball.


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Christmas is synonymous with Creativity

No matter my age, my income or my state of depression, I've always felt the humongous pull to giving something nice or sweet or lovely for Christmas.

I simply can't tell my family, "I don't have any money, here's a card." Though my brothers have been doing this for years.

I always always find a way. It's the one big day of the year we come together and laugh, let go of grudges and play games and "be merry." It's worth the effort for me.

So I usually get really creative. It's weird to turn on the tap and just expect it to flow... but it usually surprises me at how great those waters flow! Suddenly there's not enough time to create all of it!

I was telling Jukebox how I spent several hours on a gift for him the other night. Like, geez, it's so much easier to just buy something! As a joke I told him he'd better deliver, too. ;) He knows it's in jest. Though I did suggest he tell me he has to ditch me for a couple nights and of course, for Christmas, I'm all about it! (He never has nights alone, it's always me or another friend or family thing...)

So the whole point I started the post was to tell you what I made for him (one of many many creative things...)

JUKEBOX DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT!

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I set up an adorable little scene in the kitchen and took almost 200 photographs of miniature animals that are usually tucked away in frames and by books and on shelves... It's for stop-motion-photography to make a video!!

They all band together and my pink hippo backs out of the scene, and pops up behind the city scape. The group of animals start to turn to see where the hippo has gone. A little Monopoly puppy breaks away from the crowd and jumps up by the hippo. Then little word bubbles pop up, one at a time, to say, "I love you. xmas 2009"

The whole time I have a little crescent moon traveling through the sky. The video lasts about 40 seconds.

Ta da!

I'll probably create a poem or scavenger hunt to make him figure out the clues until he can locate the video on my computer... or I'll just burn it to a CD and have him pop it in the computer to play the mystery ...

Anyway, happy creativity to you and Merry Christmas ( a bit early )


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Any chance in hell?

Sometimes earning my income is just living in a fantasy world - I dream it'll happen and it does. When I'm desperate to the max it needs to be big, like booking a wedding so that I can live on that deposit.

Right now we're into week 2 of December and I am $1500 short to pay my bills and live my life. Not to mention I've charged hundreds going to the doctor recently (no insurance, I don't know why I haven't applied for assistance this year; probably because I've been denied in years past, even though my income was just above poverty level). I also just had new tires put on my car, a necessity considering we're getting our first huge snow storm right now and my old tires were leaking and bald.

I have been living month-to-month for a long time. This is as dire as it's gotten. I have several bank accounts with "petty cash" in them... and I have consolidated them to pay yet another bill.

Aside from spending money on supplies for my jewelry business, I am very very very very frugal. And even then I'm frugal, only shopping with coupons, on sale, or bargain finds like garage sales or thrift stores. Hey, reclaimed jewelry is hot.

This time, this week, though, I'm feeling like the fantasy and the reality are at huge odds with each other. Like, there is no possible fucking way I'm going to earn the cash I need right now. December and weddings only go together when I've already booked one for the month, months earlier.

Anyway, I had a quick thought just now... what if those two corporate class-action lawsuits I'm a part of actually come to a close and the checks are in the mail... ???

*sigh*





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Defeated. ( a letter to my mom )

I've written several letters here and am tormented about what to try and say to you. So I'm just going to keep it short.

**************************************************************************************************************************************

I don't understand why you can't just grieve for me, really understand how it felt to be ME and me alone, and how you treated me hurt ME. Instead of retaliating with your own tales of woe, or tell me I'm exaggerating, or how I was mean to you, JUST ACCEPT IT and fathom how hurt I must really be. And care about THAT. About ME alone.

There is no room for semantics here, when you didn't "show" me love all those years, I wasn't LOVED. Do you understand that?

This crap never fixed itself or went away. I've searched for half my life to find a way to get over how you treated me. You're still hurting me.

You broke my heart and I didn't figure that out until last week.



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