Fuck you Walt Disney.

Okay, so I KNEW that it'd be a HUGE risk for me to watch "earth." Jukebox even asked me several times before it started if I really wanted to watch this. We agreed to turn it off if I couldn't handle it.

I understand what is happening in the world around me. Animals die and are hunted and eaten. If I so much as think of the soul of that animal that I see, hear about or am eating I am completely devastated.

"Earth" started off fun and grim stating one of the two baby polar bears most likely wouldn't survive. Crushed. I held it off. Am glad they didn't show the bears eating the seals in the first three minutes of the movie.

Baby caribou were traveling with thousands and being hunted by white wolves. Suddenly we're watching one baby who got separated try to out run the wolf. It goes on for ever, I want the wolf to eat, but I don't want to see it. I want to see the baby live. I shield my face from the screen and make humming noises so I don't hear sad and grotesque death calls. Jukebox most likely lied to me but it's for the best. Crushed, thinking I know what happened. I hold off the tears and the movie entertains me with pretty birds I've never seen before, doing crazy mating dances.

BABY ELEPHANTS OH MY GOD I LOVE ELEPHANTS I HAVE LOVED THEM SINCE I WAS A CHILD. The story is grim. Dust storms, hundreds of miles to travel to find a possible water source. A mother and baby get separated, but mom still knows where to head, but baby is fading fast, blinded by the dust in his eyes. I tell Jukebox what I know about elephants and try to stifle the crushing feeling knowing it's quite possible this baby won't make it and the momma won't leave him behind...

Then it cuts to another "youngster" as James Earl Jones' voice tells us... "who has gotten separated from the herd."

"He tries to catch up, by following his mother's footsteps."

The camera pans out to see miles and miles of hot, dusty NOTHING.

"Only he's going the wrong direction."










FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WALT DISNEY

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO TELL A STORY AND NOT TO SHOW ME THIS BABY ELEPHANT WHO OBVIOUSLY IS GOING TO DIE A LONELY, SCARED AND HORRIFYING DEATH IN THE DESERT ALL ALONE ALL ALONE ALL ALONE.

There is no emoticon to show my utter devastation. We had to shut down the movie. I cried and cried and cried. Again later, and again. And again on my drive home. I left the DVD behind so Jukebox could return it for me. And I cried again. And I'm crying right now.

I can't handle it. Don't show me or tell me about the baby who is trying desperately to find his momma and his family and he's doing the best his little baby brain and undeveloped senses can ~ he's following her footsteps.

THE WRONG WAY.

DEV
A
STATED.


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The box.

Boy, Violet is not going to like me when I finally take away her favorite box filled with crunchy paper.

I keep eyeing it every time I have to mail something large-ish.

She loves to nap in it.

But it's such a nice shipping box..................................! (I love to ship things... can you tell?)

I love hearing her crunch around in it :) her little fuzzy head mashed up into the corner, the flaps of the box sticking straight up so I can't see her, I just hear her.

xoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxox

Pets rock.


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A good fit

There's lots of things about Jukebox and I that are amiss, but overall I love marvelling in how we are such a good and unique fit.

The whole time I was missing my flight, waiting for my lost luggage and dealing with my pessimistic best friend in Hawai'i (they use the apostrophe and we don't?!) I kept thinking how great a time Jukebox and I would be having any way.

That and my therapy over the last couple of years is what kept me strong and trying to feel good about bad circumstances.

I had made my friend promise before we left that she be "cool." I asked if she needed me to "be cool" on the trip? Yes. "And I need you to BE COOL on the trip, also."

She kept it quiet (sort of) the first two nights of total stress, a total damper on my parade, but I was really proud of my own personal strength.

Back to my point: I love knowing Jukebox so well that I know what he would love about Hawai'i in the sights and the sounds. I took hundreds of snapshots and videos just to share the trip with him.

We're totally going to go together. Too bad he doesn't have a credit card to just charge it up, like I did for my other best friend's wedding (the main reason why I was in Hawai'i).

* * *

Tonight we pulled into the driveway and spotted a deer hiding behind my neighbor's tree. We got out of the car and stood in front of the ticking engine. It was chilly and my hand was going numb from the purse, the bag and water it was holding.

We stayed very quiet, just a couple feet from each other. The deer was looking right at me from about 20 feet away. I didn't move. I barely whispered to Jukebox.

The deer started walking out into the open yard and another and another deer followed him. They were taking their time (they usually run off into the tall weeds when we come home).

I wanted to move my hand so badly but I knew the plastic bag would rustle loudly... Jukebox whispered a shush because I was exhaling loudly and causing the deer to look at me quizzically again.

And after a couple minutes of our silent agreement to not move, we knew it was time and it was okay for me to break the moment by moving my hand (and the noisy bag). They darted for the tall grass and disappeared.

We're a good fit, like this, too.




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Shades of gray...

On my last morning in Hawai'i I got a call from my mom.

"I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to tell you."

"Okay."

"Well... we're going to a funeral Friday and I hope you can join us."

[I would be home Thursday]

"Who died?" And why is she not just telling me? What an awful thing to do, make me wonder who died?!

"S."

S. is her husband's son. I took in this fact. He has been ill for years, had organ transplants, amputations, drug addictions, attempted suicides. They don't know how he died, but it seems like his heart just gave out.

I've seen him for ten years now, at all the family functions. He's always been nice, albeit quiet. It's sort of unfortunate, but my brothers and I didn't try very hard to get to know our new step-siblings [I certainly didn't gain any sisters if you know what I mean]. They tried even less than we did. In fact, one of the girls is a bit crazy and yells a lot and intimidates us. They're all older than us. And while it seems impossible, they are more fucked up than us.

But S. is a nice person with a lot of troubles. And my youngest brother knew him best, they frequently hid from everyone at the parties and chatted over smokes out in the driveway. B3 is in the workhouse right now for a stupid mistake he made on probation. He had to fight and beg and plead to be allowed to attend the funeral.

Today was the funeral. They had him cremated. There was a little wooden box at the alter next to his baby picture. S. was in that box. It is always so sad. And I'm so sad for his siblings. His dad seems to accept this fate as a blessing to end S.'s suffering. But his sisters and nieces certainly were deeply affected.

The ceremony was all catholic mass. This is too bad. The priest spoke more about "unseen things around us, like the flu viruses" than he did about S. I wanted to learn more about S.

I cried when the choir started singing "Amazing Grace." Then again more deeply when I laid the rose on his little wooden urn out at the gravesite. He was being buried with his mom.

It was raining hard and gusts of wind were blowing the cold water right at our faces. Umbrellas were more for show. The lovely fall colors sort of glowed from inside the gray day. The pathways were covered in brilliant green leaves; fallen after early snows shocked them into submission.

~*~*~

While sitting in the second pew reserved for immediate family, next to two of my brothers, I took in all the gray and black clothing. All of S.'s blood family was wearing black. My mom was wearing a checkered jacket with gray and black. Me and my two brothers were wearing gray.

A subtle distinction to the relationship we had with S. My family was shades of gray. Mourning the loss of someone who was our family, but who we didn't know quite so deeply. Our hearts wouldn't be broken so completely...



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nabbed from the girl with a pixie and a flute

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? My association fee. RIP OFF.

2. Do you miss being a child? Depends on what angle you're looking for. I miss swimming and climbing trees and doing flips off the jungle gym.

3. Chore you hate the most? Scrubbing. Can't do it because of my wrists. My shower is getting... colorful.

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? Sometimes we have them here at my place, totally impromptu. But officially I'd say it was on my birthday, we went out and treated ourselves right!

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? I'd like to say dating W. But I didn't know better, didn't have the tools to seek out healthy relationships and didn't know that he would take my virginity by force. So it's not really a viable desire to change it.

I also didn't have good adults to talk to about my problems, and didn't know there were better ways to be treated. All my "regrets" are things I couldn't have controlled.

Now that that major weight is off my chest, I'd have to say: doing that wet t-shirt contest. Gross. I wouldn't have been peer pressured into it.

6. Name of your first grade teacher? No idea. Don't care.

7.What do you really want to be doing right now? Sleeping.

8. What did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher, an artist, a psychologist.

9. How many colleges did you attend? I'm in my first one, baby. BOOYAH!

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Because it's god-awful comfortable, loose, a great teal color and peasanty.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices? Decent. Still irked at driving out east last year when they were $4.50/gallon!

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning? WHY GOD WHY. And *pain*

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? Thank God the neighbors went inside, stupid loud ass D-bags.

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Shia. Duh.

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? Sort of. I've been crashed into way more, and way worse.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer? YES.

17. Get up early or sleep in? Sleep in. Though if I'm just trying to get 8 hours of sleep, I'm not "sleeping in" people.

18. What is your favorite cartoon character? Hello Kitty, since she (she?) was when I was a kid.

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl? Night photography.

20. When did you first start feeling old? When I realized some great times were had TWENTY YEARS AGO.

21. Favorite lunch meat? Turkey.

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Buttons. Or Beads.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? No. But not to be approached lightly. [stern look tossed over rim of my tortoise shell glasses]

24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about? Um, you've read Don't Does Movies. I'm not hiding anything!

25. What’s your favorite drink? H2O.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to? N/A.

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? The Current: local/public funded station. Good random mix of anything and everything. Or KDWB: House and Pop. Or 93X: ROCK.

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? D.H. Why not. It's entertaining.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? Most of my relationships.

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work? N/A. I work for myself and I work alone when I work for someone else!

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes? I dunno...

32. Last book you finished reading? Coping with Rape.

33. Do you have a teddy bear? Sort of. Some plush elephants. And a new froggie I won at the State Fair midway!

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? I dunno. Jukebox doesn't know either.

35. Do you go to church? No. But I pray.

36. How old are you? Thirty to the two.

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crisis averted

Last night my internet worked fine. Today it was all RED LIGHTS and no worky. And my phone line got all shitty... hmmm.... DSL.... hmmmm....

It was still crappy when I got home from work so I ignored it and went for a bike ride. Then Jukebox and I had some homemade apple pie at my mom's, served with vanilla ice cream.

THEN I decided to call the phone company.

End of story: It's kaput.

Boo. Hoo.

Jukebox bought modem #2 because I didn't care that modem #1 had a bad wireless signal. Well, #2 did too for some mysterious reason, but I didn't want to call and have several hour long phone calls again trying to reconfigure our laptops into toasters to prove to the phone company that there's something wrong.

Now it would be my turn to buy #3. And of course, I don't have extra money. I spent a frivolous $2 on a mini-mudslide drink during the bike ride (to shock my mom, and I drank it whilst I biked, hee hee). THAT WAS BIG SPENDING.

Anyway, Jukebox is good at checking online to look for further diagnoses. He announced happily, "I fixed your internet!"

"WOO HOO, how?"

"The nerds figured it out." (I love that he says this.)

Turns out the modem I have is prone to bad power supplies. So he grabbed a generic one to use for now and I bought a generic one exactly suited for my modem online. (Buying generic because obviously the actual model goes bad.)

Ta da. Crisis averted. I thought I was going to be without my precious ethernet connection for two days!


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Rip-off?

So............ sometimes I nab an image online and print it for my own personal enjoyment. I don't do it to sell or ever EVER take credit for it. ((( you keep that to yourself! )))

Or I suggest to friends who can't buy a painting or reproduction to just print it or cut it out of a book and frame it. It's just for them, not for sale.

So now you know how I feel about copyright. ((( plus I know people steal my stuff, too - which is "okay" as long as they're still giving me respect AltHoUgh it'd be nice to sell the images instead... )))




But what about someone who takes a famous artist, say, Picasso, and they paint that same painting that Picasso once painted. It turns out really fabulous and looks really amazing, like the original.

That someone slaps their name on the painting and it's done.

It's still being used for personal enjoyment, not for sale.

But now this someone IS PUTTING THEIR NAME ON someone else's original creation. Yes it took talent to recreate it, but the concept, the colors, the movement, the creation has been stolen.

How do I feel about this version of copyright infringement? Help me out.




P.S. My debate would neatly apply to the notion that we are God's creation and C L O N I N G ourselves is against the rules as well.




anxiety

My brother did call me the next day to apologize for hanging up on me. Doesn't change the fact that I was unable to get good sleep, my work suffered the next day, etc. But yes, it's good that he apologized.

Next subject:

I have a cousin whom I met when I was 3 years old. I don't remember him, the trip out west, or my uncle & aunt. Just the escalator at the airport and looking out the window in the back of the plane. That's it. But there's a photo of me on a horse and I look like I'm having a good time.

My mom is pulling off a huge family reunion right now. She and all her siblings were split up as children when their parents died. Their life sucked. They haven't seen each other - all together in one room - some even at all - since then. We're talking 55 years.

My cousin flew in today, I met him again and B2 and I drove him around Minneapolis, showing him the sights and had dinner with him. It was a nice day.

I'm going to miss the reunion tomorrow because I'm shooting a wedding. All day I felt "okay" about not being ready yet for the wedding. I've been working 15+ hours each day this week trying to compile/edit/create/print/ship six family shoots.

And I hosted dinner for Jukebox's mom's birthday.

So I've had NO TIME to prepare, let alone mentally prepare.

All day today I was "okay" with this. But somewhere around 8pm panic attack hit and I had to swallow it down for a couple more hours. Now I'm finally home and guess what....

I don't know where or how to start. Bed time should be in a couple hours and... then voila, I have to be "on" tomorrow, and shoot the damn wedding. All by myself!


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